50 Shades of No Way

I'm not a literature snob. I love commercial fiction, and I've been known to read some erotica on occasion, too. But when I cracked the spine on 50 Shades of Grey, it took a herculean effort to finish it. I couldn't shelve my appreciation for good storytelling or realistic characterizations, so my final analysis of the book is a big ole disappointment.

And public reaction to it--spin-off magazines, clubs, and so on--is such that you'd think no one had previously ever published stories about fetishes, kinky sex, S&M, and power games in the bedroom. I can understand a young woman's curiosity if her experience is limited, but for grown women to be so enamored frankly has me stumped. Sisters, we should be getting busy making those fantasies a reality instead of living vicariously through a book or movie.

See the movie if you must--it opened yesterday. But I can think of lots of things--50 of them listed here--I'd rather do with my time. With thanks to my karmic sister, Christine, for elevating my list.

50 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch 50 Shades of Grey

1.       Smash my pinkie toes with a ball-pein hammer.

2.       Volunteer my uterus for science experiments.

3.       Apply sand paper and Tabasco sauce between my toes.

4.       Eat nothing but souse for a month.

5.       Use someone else’s dental floss that has mysterious chunks hanging from it.

6.       Hang out in a Texas Port-o-John in August with a platoon of soldiers who just spent a week’s earnings at White Castle.

7.       Pierce my nipples with a discarded syringe from a biohazard bag.

8.       Practice my Downward Dog at a nude beach.

9.       Get caught with a gallon of Boone’s Farm in a mosque while listening to “Rock the Casbah.”

10.   Scratch my butt cheeks with a wire brush, then slather them with a glaze of hot mustard and corn syrup while waiting for the army ants to arrive.

11.   Have my blood drawn, slowly, from a wide needle, by a new nursing student.

12.   Say “eat me” to a colony of angry, socially awkward cannibals.

13.   Drink from a spittoon.

14.   Curl up into a ball and be catapulted by medieval trebuchet.

15.   Rape my nostrils with pinecones.

16.   Lick the afterbirth off a newborn calf.

17.   Dive headfirst into a mystery pile of something steamy.

18.   Roll in a pile of thumbtacks while a Kardashian, Real Housewives, or pawn shop reality show plays over and over.

19.   Gargle with science-class formaldehyde.

20.   Win a poo-flinging war with a band of chimps.

21.   Undergo a sigmoidoscopy in the middle of a shopping mall at Christmas time.

22.   Pick my nose with the antler of a brindled gnu.

23.   Wear a pair of steel wool panties while riding a bucking mule over the Khyber Pass.

24.   Act as head custodian and towel girl in an ancient Roman vomitorium.

25.   Empty bedpans of chunky diarrhea.

26.   Swim in barracuda-infested waters off the coast of Panama while sporting a silver snorkeling suit and a 60-pound rucksack.

27.   Ride an unpredictable elevator with Barney, Peter Griffin, and Doug and Wendy Whiner.

28.   Listen to an audiobook of Mein Kampf narrated by Gilbert Gottfried or SpongeBob SquarePants.

29.   Celebrate Lice Prevention month with a full-body depilatory and bleach bath.

30.   Microwave a metal plate of nachos topped with rooster combs and turkey snoods.

31.   Defuzz and otherwise eliminate all my unwanted body hair with duct tape.

32.   Explain the virtues of volunteerism and donation to a group of narcissists.

33.   Insert my head into a Ziploc bag of Indian-food flatulence.

34.   Start a “beauty trend” by injecting botulism under my skin and slathering burning chemicals so my face looks like a smacked ass.

35.   Tase myself after drinking a gallon of prune juice.

36.   Grimace through a cover version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” by the duet of Tiny Tim and Roseanne Barr.

37.   Challenge Gary Busey, Carly Simon, and Steven Tyler to a smiling contest.

38.   Eat a sheep’s-tongue-and-offal sandwich with a hearty side of entrail stew.

39.   Listen to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries with a libretto performed by Yoko Ono.

40.   Ask some toddlers to give me a haircut with an X-Acto knife.

41.   Attend a happiness conference at the Bates Motel.

42.   Help my friend Sisyphus with an errand.

43.   Listen to an existential argument between Dorian Gray and Christian Grey.

44.   Take a Zumba class with the Capital One barbarians.

45.   Feed 6-year-old triplets an industrial-size box of Swedish Fish and a 2-liter of soda 30 minutes before going to bed for the night.

46.   Referee a debate between John McEnroe and Dennis Rodman.

47.   Try to find a programming guide or troubleshooting manual for a TV streaming device.

48.   Challenge five friends to a game of “Turtle” during a sleepover, after we’ve eaten garlic-and-habanero-roasted brussels sprouts.

49.   Play Twister with a group of domestic violence convicts.

50.   Get urinated on by the Geico cavemen.